Just watched the show and found the script – May rest be upon his soul. Wat a talent! My personal fav one in is italics! Have fun!
“I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”
“I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.”
“I would imagine if you understood Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.”
“And then at the end of the letter i like to write P.S.- This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.”
“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They’re relentless.
“When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.”
“I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.”
“I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad a turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi. Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.”
“I lke refried beans. I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time.”
“This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can’t tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard.”
“I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said screw that, I’ll just get a tan instead.”
“I was at this casino minding my own business and this guy came up to me and said your gonna have to move you’re blocking a fire exit. As if there were a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you are flammable and have legs you are never blocking a fire exit.”
“I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.”
“An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never seen an Escalator temporarily out of order sign, just Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”
“I went to the park and saw a kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don’t know why, that’s what they’re supposed to do. Now if he had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.”
“One time a guy handed me a picture of himself and he said. “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger. Here’s a picture of me when I’m older. How’d you pull that off? Let me see that camera.”
“Alcoholism, is a disease, but it’s the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. Dammit Otto, your an alcoholic. Dammit Otto, you have Lupis. One of those two doesn’t sound right.”
“I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a.m. and there was a sign that said Sorry, we’re closed. You don’t have to be sorry. It’s 3a.m. and your a drycleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I’m not gonna come by at 10 and say, hey I was here at 3a.m and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology.”
“I brought a donut and the guy gave me a receipt for the donut. I don’t need a receipt for the donut, I give you the money, you give me the donut, end of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I can not imagine the scenario where I would have to prove that I brought a donut. Some skeptical friend. Don’t even act like I didn’t get that donut. I got the documentation right here.”
