Sünde

Finally got the new Eisbrecher album… and its just what I expected. Alexx and Noel live up to the basics… what made Megaherz and then Eisbrecher itself. The slow interludes and the quick heavy pick ups are simply awesome… esp for running!

 

 

4 December 2005 to 7 December 2008

Bang! I hear the gunshot as hundreds of people cheer. Its 530am and I’m 200 meters off the start point of the seemingly the longest run of my life. The Standard Chartered Marathon 2005 – the first ever attempt to make a dream a reality. I whizz past many, many people I feel invincible. Maybe it’s because I’m so self assured that people will be waiting for me at the end point or maybe I have trained hard for it. Only one of them is true though. And it’s not the latter. I know I spent many months on it – 6 months of running everyday twice a week. But truth be told, it is really not enough. All that matters is the grit of ending the pain – through the last 12km.

 

I run past the 10km mark – 1 hour and 10 mins is a good timing to keep. It seems like my many runs along the long; never ending Boon Lay Way’s drudgery is helping me keep up with the pace of the run. There’s so much to see along the way but the long running distance just blinds me from the scenic beauty of the run – one thing I have learnt to appreciate is the sheer beauty of the places that are chosen to run at. It’s not about the run – rather it’s how you appreciate what you see around you. If you run for the run, you run for nothing – you drudge yourself all that distance. I drudge myself another 10km easily. The secret experts say is to keep consistent lap timing. And consistent lap timing is exactly what I have. 20km in another one hour and 15 mins. Very good – I almost pat myself on the back and take a call from someone who would never call me again. We talk for a while as I run – seems like I can do it after all. Or so I think. What I do not realize is that I’m only halfway done. The worst part awaits – hell awaits in silence.

 

As I carry on my heart beating in joy of seeing familiar faces that will celebrate with me once I’m done – in two or so more hours. I’ve held on for so long, might as well a little longer and I’ll be done. My mind floats to plan I have for the following weekend. Chocolate buffet. A great way to celebrate my victory over the distance I’ve conquered over the last six months. A celebration of mind over body – a celebration of victory over myself. But it has to wait for the job is not done yet. I run past a hoarding that reads, ‘If you see a wall, find the window in it.’ 28km. still no wall – still going strong. I reach the last championship chip mat at 30km – a resounding beep reassures me that I can do it in my target of 5 hours. It can be done – 10 more km and that’s it. I feel a surge of power within me – of reassurance and of hope that I can do anything I want to. Less than 10 mins away, hell lurks.

 

Suddenly, I stop running. It’s not because I’m weary – I find it impossible to run, or even walk. I do not understand what went wrong. Where did I make a mistake? Is this the wall people talk about? Have I finally hit it at 32km? I gulp down a packet of Powergel. It’s the third one in 4 hours. I drag myself to the nearest water point and gulp down a cup of water to wash down the heinous sweet taste of the sweet poison. This is supposed to fix it soon – I tell myself. Soon I’ll be on the road again and sooner than I think I’ll be with those who wait for me at the end point. None of this happens. The moment I start, the very next second, I stall. My left leg screeches in pain – like a monster gnawing through my flesh with its poison teeth sunk deep inside of me. I stop in an instant. Maybe it’s a temporary setback. Maybe I can walk a little and rest a little and still go on. I try to calm myself down as my heart pounds on like a devil. That someone calls me again to ask how I’m doing. We chat a little but I don’t tell how I am – there’s no place for self pity in me – a stupid notion.

 

I decide to limp till I end this. I am unable to even walk – my watch reads 5 hours and 13 mins. You should be done by now and here you are – weak and helpless. Another 30 mins at most I tell myself – rather I fool myself. 33 km and I am still limping. I see people whizz past me as I limp. I stop from time to time to scream out silent screams of pain as my leg throbs in pain telling me to stop punishing myself for no reason. I do not listen. I press on. When going gets tough, the tough get going. I look down at the medal in my hand. A sentence rings in me, ‘This was last year’s one. Show me what this year’s medal looks like.’ I try real, real hard. Running is out of question I realized quickly enough. I can only walk – I refuse to acknowledge that all I can do at this point is limp. My legs buckle under my weight many times as I walk. I have no choice but to limp. I limp past the 37 km mark. 6 hours and 15 mins. One hour for 3km. Not a bad timing. Maybe I can end this. By then end of the hour. Of course, its only hopeful.

 

The pain grows like a devil’s bite. I eventually stop again. There’s no ending now I tell myself. I have 5km to go and I can’t stop now… not now. I grit my teeth in pain as I get up and move on. The sun hits my face with a fiery blow. I wash my head from keeping it from drying. I realize my limit at this point. It’s not about finishing anymore. It’s about getting to the next hoarding that says a larger number. One km by one km I limp. I cry for myself with clenched teeth. I ask myself why I put myself into this and I get no answer. Yet I refused to give up – 39km. 2 more I tell myself as I crash land on the grass patch. The crowd has thinned out to just a few runners and casual joggers. The bulk where I was to be – the peloton where I expected myself to be was long gone – maybe gone home. I still lie on the grass patch trying to keep my resolve. I get up and collapse again and again. The third time I finally get up on my feet. I limp on – 2 more km and I’m done. It hurts – real, real bad. I want it to end but it end when it ends. Not earlier and not later. Not even if you’re tired or if you tear your hamstring at two places.

 

Three years on, I will try again – this time, I have dedicated a year to it. Since July 2007 I train harder and harder every week. Dedicatedly. Because I do not want history to repeat itself. That year, I had someone waiting for me at the end point – I ran for someone; someone drove me with love. This year, I run for myself, the same person drives me but its anger that drives. And I fear myself.

Of songs and generations

I was watching a stand up by Nick Swardson and he was talking about how music changes the world…

Speaking of which the songs that we listen to these days will become ‘retro’ songs for our kids like the songs that were number ones in our parents’ times are retros now…

 

Retro of today: Belinda Carlisle – Heaven on Earth

 

 

Retro of tomorrow: Akon – Smack that?!!!

 

 

Hahah… can’t imagine my kids singing that! Sheesh… haha… or worse – they’ll grow up listening to Rammstein, Eisbrecher and Linkin Park! OMG!

Network, network, network

Hmmmm… been a real long time since I blogged so here’s a long awaited update.

I was busy with the FYP prelim 1 presentation and report (which was not too bad i guess) except that I was extremely nervous and a lot of jolts between slides… hmm next time must rehearse out loud and not slack. Sheesh…. next time gonna be worse with the examiner around! Nvm lar.. think about it when the time comes.

Dad was talking to me one of the days after a bad day of lab about how to get opinions from people about where you want to go in career and how to get there. I think all I needed at that time was the push to talk to people and find out more. And I went into frenzy mode emailing a lot of people who were nice to talk to me and express opinions.

Esp among these were Prof. Teoh who forwarded me to Kelvin – he was extremely friendly and gracious to explain what he does and the challenges and how the field can be useful to society. I think that was what I needed to spur me on to ask more people and get as many different opinions as I can to make a more informed decision about my career. Although it is kind of early, there’s no harm looking around for places that I can go and how I can be useful. Next, A/P Toh was very useful to intro me to the speaker of a talk on heart valves Mr. Goh, who entertained me and recommmended how I can go about getting experience and how to progress in a career in regulatory issues. Also, A/P Toh forwaded me to Mr. Kwek in HSA who corrosponded with me and I think I will talk to him sometime next week. Finally but not least, Dr. Hill from Centre for Bioethics gave me a totally different perspective on seeing things not from a law and regulatory but an ethical veiwpoint and how engineers and healthcare professionals face dilemma in the workplace. I would like to thank them personally on my blog for entertaining me and giving me a sense of direction.

But most of all, thanks dad for being so supportive. Time to brush up my resume and start aggressively looking for jobs.

But first, FYP beckons… and it’s not helpful getting chased out of my own lab! =s

Hmmm.. some things that I need to do this time of the month are: GEK Essay, HR Essay and TE presentation. Oh man! I’m gonna drown myself in projects!

On a different note, I went for Real Run and it was an awesome experience. I think I did pretty weel judging from my standards and I look forward to Peal Izumi next weekend…. time to up the distance from 21km to 30km…The marathon is coming. =)

I need a life…

From the timetable I’m living everyday… maybe I should write something.

Stupid aticaria is coming back….

Thanks Dad

After a bad and totally unproductive day, sometimes you just need someone to talk to about something totally differrent.

Thanks dad. I love you.

Today

Hmmm I just felt like random rambling, but I rambling this way is more productive.

 

Today I find myself in the past,

Hoping things were there to last.

But as an icy chill runs up my back,

I cry for the day and hit the sack.

 

Today I smile at the little things,

No matter what the day brings,

For it feels like a beautiful day,

That smile is always here to stay.

 

Today I anger at myself again.

Somehow I need to ease the pain.

So I punish myself without the need,

It’s the very vows I do not heed.

 

Today I feel great satisfaction,

I see myself in the right direction.

No matter what the future brings,

Life always straightens out things.

 

Today I feel the fear of life,

Bothers me and cuts like a knife,

I don’t know where I’m headed to,

And I not know what to do.

 

Today I feel strange fascination,

Everything’s a new revelation.

My mind feels like a little kid,

So I do the silly things I always did.

 

Today I feel mighty weary,

My body hurts and eyes teary,

I need to get away from this place,

Give me time and a little space.

 

The past is a vault of history,

And the future locks the mystery,

But today is the present it is said,

So I smile and look ahead. 

 

Ancient history

I ahve nothing to say…. its a silly song but I love it!

Retro stuff rox!

 

Its at times like these the great heaven knows
That we wish we had not so many clothes
So lets loosen up with a playful tease
Like all lovers did through the centuries

Were just following ancient history
If I strip for you will you strip for me?
Were just following ancient history
If I strip for you will you strip for me?
Uh-huh-huh

When it gets so hot the end of the day
You may find your clothes getting in the way
If a pretty dress hides your true desire
Fold it nice and slow, throw it on the fire

We dont need to see what the butler saw
Or a mirrored room with a mirrored floor
All those sneaky looks gazing down on you
Are no substitute for our rendezvous

If you think its cheap or a bit risque
Please dont say a word Ill just slip away
I am not a man who believes in lies
Like an octopus with big x-ray eyes

Dont freeze up girl, youre looking quite a sight
Be generous, I want it all tonight

Polymer-chitosan scaffolds in tissue engineering applications

After over 500 mins, 1500 words and 38 revisions, I’m still a long way from finishing it.

I really need to work harder on it or need to WORK HARDER on it! =(

Inertial Frames

Sounds more geeky than a previous post but I finally realised WHY indians are always late… cuz we’re too fast!

We indians have our own frame of reference and we move almost at the speed of light. So to others (in the observer’s intertial frame) we’re always slow; but to ourselves(in our own intertial frame), we’re just on time… ALWAYS!

Don’t get it? See the video… or an alternative is… get a life! Haha..

Oh man! It does say something about me actually blogging about this rubbish! SHEESH!