Everyone seems to compain about relationships and their jobs, but when u have neither to complain about, it doesn’t do much for you too.

Imagine you didn’t have what you have and are complaining about, and you get me.

It’s frustrating.

Seems like I’ve finally let my anger go now. I’m no longer upset about the past and although it took me so long to avoid, ignore and keep it all in, I don’t know when in this time, it all went away.

I’m ready to move forward.

This became so much more apparent when I was watching How I Met Your Mother. Ted, a single guy, who’s looking for his future wife, gets to know Stella – a separated mom of a 7 year old daughter. He gets to know her better and they end up almost at the altar – where she leaves him to go back to her ex-husband, Tony. He’s angry and sad and a whole host of things that one would feel but eventually, sees the light. As he narrates this story to his kids, 20+ yrs in the future, he says:

“…and that was it, in that moment I wasn’t angry anymore. I could see that Stella was meant to be with Tony.

Kids,

You may think that your only choices are to swallow your anger or throw it in someone’s face. But there is a third option, you can just let it go. And only when you do that is it really gone, and you can move forward.

And that kids, was the perfect ending to a perfect love story. It just wasn’t mine. Mine was still out there, waiting for me…”

~ Ted Mosby

The biggest made this year was to go to India for a holiday…

I should have just stayed alone at home. Better than the daily brain fucking over here. Sheesh… I’m pissed off and I wanna come back home asap.

1. Applied for many MANY jobs and not a single reply.

2. Resultless Final Year Project.

3. No driving license.

4. Sundown Marathon

5. Still single (which someone I know was strongly suggesting I get some help from SDU… never bothered me till she brought it up… ).

Sounds like I have a lot on my hands and I need to sort myself out… or go for a run – latter has a better effect – while it lasts. 

I can’t wait for long intensive running events. Sometimes, I wish I were as good at the other things too. This is the first rant of the year – just that it’s all bottled up.

For some reason after my run today I was immensely perplexed and frustrated…

I have to learn to face it by myself…

Bang! I hear the gunshot as hundreds of people cheer. Its 530am and I’m 200 meters off the start point of the seemingly the longest run of my life. The Standard Chartered Marathon 2005 – the first ever attempt to make a dream a reality. I whizz past many, many people I feel invincible. Maybe it’s because I’m so self assured that people will be waiting for me at the end point or maybe I have trained hard for it. Only one of them is true though. And it’s not the latter. I know I spent many months on it – 6 months of running everyday twice a week. But truth be told, it is really not enough. All that matters is the grit of ending the pain – through the last 12km.

I run past the 10km mark – 1 hour and 10 mins is a good timing to keep. It seems like my many runs along the long; never ending Boon Lay Way’s drudgery is helping me keep up with the pace of the run. There’s so much to see along the way but the long running distance just blinds me from the scenic beauty of the run – one thing I have learnt to appreciate is the sheer beauty of the places that are chosen to run at. It’s not about the run – rather it’s how you appreciate what you see around you. If you run for the run, you run for nothing – you drudge yourself all that distance. I drudge myself another 10km easily. The secret experts say is to keep consistent lap timing. And consistent lap timing is exactly what I have. 20km in another one hour and 15 mins. Very good – I almost pat myself on the back and take a call from someone who would never call me again. We talk for a while as I run – seems like I can do it after all. Or so I think. What I do not realize is that I’m only halfway done. The worst part awaits – hell awaits in silence.

As I carry on my heart beating in joy of seeing familiar faces that will celebrate with me once I’m done – in two or so more hours. I’ve held on for so long, might as well a little longer and I’ll be done. My mind floats to plan I have for the following weekend. Chocolate buffet. A great way to celebrate my victory over the distance I’ve conquered over the last six months. A celebration of mind over body – a celebration of victory over myself. But it has to wait for the job is not done yet. I run past a hoarding that reads, ‘If you see a wall, find the window in it.’ 28km. still no wall – still going strong. I reach the last championship chip mat at 30km – a resounding beep reassures me that I can do it in my target of 5 hours. It can be done – 10 more km and that’s it. I feel a surge of power within me – of reassurance and of hope that I can do anything I want to. Less than 10 mins away, hell lurks.

Suddenly, I stop running. It’s not because I’m weary – I find it impossible to run, or even walk. I do not understand what went wrong. Where did I make a mistake? Is this the wall people talk about? Have I finally hit it at 32km? I gulp down a packet of Powergel. It’s the third one in 4 hours. I drag myself to the nearest water point and gulp down a cup of water to wash down the heinous sweet taste of the sweet poison. This is supposed to fix it soon – I tell myself. Soon I’ll be on the road again and sooner than I think I’ll be with those who wait for me at the end point. None of this happens. The moment I start, the very next second, I stall. My left leg screeches in pain – like a monster gnawing through my flesh with its poison teeth sunk deep inside of me. I stop in an instant. Maybe it’s a temporary setback. Maybe I can walk a little and rest a little and still go on. I try to calm myself down as my heart pounds on like a devil. That someone calls me again to ask how I’m doing. We chat a little but I don’t tell how I am – there’s no place for self pity in me – a stupid notion.

I decide to limp till I end this. I am unable to even walk – my watch reads 5 hours and 13 mins. You should be done by now and here you are – weak and helpless. Another 30 mins at most I tell myself – rather I fool myself. 33 km and I am still limping. I see people whizz past me as I limp. I stop from time to time to scream out silent screams of pain as my leg throbs in pain telling me to stop punishing myself for no reason. I do not listen. I press on. When going gets tough, the tough get going. I look down at the medal in my hand. A sentence rings in me, ‘This was last year’s one. Show me what this year’s medal looks like.’ I try real, real hard. Running is out of question I realized quickly enough. I can only walk – I refuse to acknowledge that all I can do at this point is limp. My legs buckle under my weight many times as I walk. I have no choice but to limp. I limp past the 37 km mark. 6 hours and 15 mins. One hour for 3km. Not a bad timing. Maybe I can end this. By then end of the hour. Of course, its only hopeful.

The pain grows like a devil’s bite. I eventually stop again. There’s no ending now I tell myself. I have 5km to go and I can’t stop now… not now. I grit my teeth in pain as I get up and move on. The sun hits my face with a fiery blow. I wash my head from keeping it from drying. I realize my limit at this point. It’s not about finishing anymore. It’s about getting to the next hoarding that says a larger number. One km by one km I limp. I cry for myself with clenched teeth. I ask myself why I put myself into this and I get no answer. Yet I refused to give up – 39km. 2 more I tell myself as I crash land on the grass patch. The crowd has thinned out to just a few runners and casual joggers. The bulk where I was to be – the peloton where I expected myself to be was long gone – maybe gone home. I still lie on the grass patch trying to keep my resolve. I get up and collapse again and again. The third time I finally get up on my feet. I limp on – 2 more km and I’m done. It hurts – real, real bad. I want it to end but it end when it ends. Not earlier and not later. Not even if you’re tired or if you tear your hamstring at two places.

Three years on, I will try again – this time, I have dedicated a year to it. Since July 2007 I train harder and harder every week. Dedicatedly. Because I do not want history to repeat itself. That year, I had someone waiting for me at the end point – I ran for someone; someone drove me with love. This year, I run for myself, the same person drives me but its anger that drives. And I fear myself.

From the timetable I’m living everyday… maybe I should write something.

Stupid aticaria is coming back….

I ran and ran and ran… knees hurt and i drive on, chest hurts and i drive on. Why? I don’t know, maybe I was not thinking straight… maybe… well nvm

I ran today for all the wrong reasons… I broke my own rule. Never run when you’re upset.

Do you know [x4]
Do ya

If birds flying south is a sign of changes
At least you can predict this every year.
Love, you never know the minute it ends suddenly
I can’t get it to speak
Maybe finding all the things it took to save us
I could fix the pain that bleeds inside of me
Look in your eyes to see something about me
I’m standing on the edge and I don’t know what else to give.

[Chorus]
Do you know what it feels like
loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away.
(Do you know [x3])
Do you know what it feels like
to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed.

Do you know [x4]
Do ya

How can I love you [x4]

If you just don’t talk to me, babe.

It flows through my head
The question is she needed
And decide all the man I can ever be.
Looking at the last 3 years like I did,
I could never see us ending like this.
(Do you know)
Seeing your face no more on my pillow
Is a scene that’s never happened to me.
(Do you know)
But after this episode I don’t see,
you could never tell the next thing life could be

[Chorus]
Do you know what it feels like
loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away.
(Do you know [x3])
Do you know what it feels like
to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed.

Do you know [x3]

[Chorus]
Do you know what it feels like
loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away.
(Do you know [x3])
Do you know what it feels like
to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed.

Do you know [x7]

[Chorus]
Do you know what it feels like
loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away
(Do you know [x3])
Do you know what it feels like
to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed

Do you know [x3]

[Chorus]
Do you know what it feels like
loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away
(Do you know how it feels)
Do you know what it feels like
to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed

Do you know [x4]
Do ya
Do you know [x4]
Do ya
Do you know [x4]
Do ya

Cuz sometimes, I really can’t be bothered

Everything is somehow different
We always suspected it
We looked into the eyes of the abyss
How often has life warned us

A long night begins
Our last night my child

Give up on me
How much longer do I have to beg
Heart in pieces
It has to end
Free me
We’re fighting hopelessly
Let me go
Give me the coup de grâce
Release me

Everything is suddenly so dark
We always knew it
We wander through time like demons
In the end all that remains is loss

Like I’ve told you…

What you’ve done for me I’ll never forget and what you’ve done to me I’ll never forgive. Don’t try to connect back to me.

I’m not who I was. When it comes to you:

我的心是石头.

mein Herz ist Stein.

My heart is a stone.

Hmmmm like I learnt in ethics, what you do should be ethical to make it public – the media test. Here it is…

She: Hello! Happy birthday. Have a great day and all the best for the upcoming exams.

Me: Hi! I’m sorry but I find it difficult to accept your best wishes.

Don’t judge me on this if you don’t know the whole story. Bitterness needs to be swallowed – whole.

I do not regret nor fear what I did. I did what was best for me. Just like someone did. At this time I’m not gonna let you in and ruin my life again.

The Rasmus – No Fear

History always repeats itself. Sometimes it’s jut not worth expecting something else from some people…

Cuz it’ll always turn out the same….

And this time ard, it comes at a fantastic timing.. I need to run it off… again. My only escape.